I awake each morning to a dream and return to reality when I sleep.

Impending Doom | January 30, 2010

This first dream takes place at a carnival. I am here with my Mom and Apollo whom I am pushing in a stroller. We pass by a ride that is skateboard themed where you strap yourself onto a seat atop of a big skate board and it follows a track that twists and turns mimicking skateboard tricks. My mom suggests I take Apollo on the ride but I quickly reason that it is not meant for babies. Then I see a boy Apollo’s age on the ride with his Dad on his own little mini seat but I stay firm with my decision that the ride is too dangerous for Apollo. We continue to walk through the carnival, through the isles of games and concessions. We then meet up with my grandparents and some of my aunts, uncles, and cousins. We talk briefly then they re-disperse besides my grandparents who remain walking along with us. Suddenly, the carnival security officers (about 3 or 4 of them) are ushering people out of a tent and they seem worried and agitated. As we get closer to the commotion one of the security officers gets on a loud speaker and says “There has been a nuclear bomb dropped in East Lansing, for some reason it has not gone off but we are urging people to go south as quickly as possible.” The people leaving the tent and the rest of the carnival seem to be in no hurry hence the agitation of the officers. I however immediately take Apollo out of his stroller and start running to the parking lot and then to my car. My grandparents had already gotten in their van and left and my mother had already gotten in the driver seat of the car. I get in with Apollo in my lap and my Mom immediately starts driving. Once I put Apollo in his car seat I call Donovan who is working. I explain to Donovan the situation and he said he just heard about it on his car radio. “I can’t just leave work, I’ll get fired.” Donovan protests. I am really annoyed at this point by his clear insanity. “Donovan, your job isn’t going to matter if your dead!” I tell him. After a deep breath I go on to say “Just call and tell them your sick and puking blood or something and that your going to the hospital.” (as if that excuse is more logical than the fact there is a nuclear bomb that could go off and kill us all if not just give us radiation poisoning.) Moments later Donovan suddenly appears in the driver seat of my car and my mom is suddenly in the back seat. I am changing through the channels on the radio when I wake up.

So this next dream is the one from last night. Although short, it really had an emotional effect on me.

The dream begins and Donovan and I are in our car, he is driving. We are going to the Renaissance festival or some kind of festival unknown to me. Apollo, I know, is either at home with my mom or at Donovan’s parent’s house with them. We are driving down a narrow country-type road, you know the paved ones that have only two lanes, one for traffic going each way and the infamous “Pass” and “Don’t Pass” signs. Well anyway we are driving down this road and we get stuck behind a white pickup truck going about 15 under the speed limit with a bunch of stuff in the back. Donovan wants to pass this truck but I keep telling him “No, not yet!” because the hills make it hard to see if there are cars coming. Donovan eventually gets impatient and starts to pass him anyway. As we get to the top of the hill a car appears coming straight for us. For a moment it seems like we are going to make it past the truck and back into the correct lane but all I could focus on was the approaching headlights (in the middle of the day? That’s strange.) When the cars collide everything outside the car goes gray and then black. Every muscle in my body, from my fingers to my toes, spasms and then tenses tighter than I have ever felt any muscle, let alone all of them, tense and remained tensed. I look over to Donovan and see he is experiencing the same thing. “I think we are dying” he says matter-of-factly. I look ahead and out of the blackness there are purple and blue lines of lights going by at each side of the car. “No!” I say “We wouldn’t be experiencing death together like this would we?” he looks at me fearful and sad and I know he knows that we are indeed dying. I can’t accept this, I start getting hysterical “No! We aren’t dying! No we can’t be. We aren’t, if we don’t let it happen it won’t happen! We aren’t dying! We can’t die! We can’t we can’t we can’t! Who’s going to take care of Apollo?” I start crying uncontrollably “Apollo needs us! He needs his parents! We can’t die! Not both of us! No no no no no!! NOT BOTH OF US!” I wake up in tears and great relief that it was only a dream. However that feeling of not being able to control the inevitable occurrence of death, even if only a dream, still stays with me. Just thinking about that dream brings tears to my eyes. Man what a bad dream.

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I'm still not sure who I am yet. "I am that which I am and I am pleased with it, joyful in it. And you are that which you are, and while it is different, perhaps, from that which I am, it is also good. And because I am able to focus upon that which I want, even if there are those differences between us that are dramatic, I do not suffer the negative emotion because I am wise enough not to focus upon that which brings me discomfort. I have come to understand as I am one who is applying the law of allowing, that I have not come fourth into this physical world to get everyone to follow the truth that I think is the truth. I have not come fourth to encourage the world into a world of conformity or sameness. For I am wise enough to understand that in sameness, in conformity, there is not the diversity that stimulates creativity. And that in focusing upon bringing about conformity I am pointing toward an ending rather than a continuing of creation." - Abraham Hicks

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